Vegetarian Fail

I tried to eat a portabella mushroom "burger" last night for dinner.  Needless to say, I did not succeed.  I think Ron Swanson and I have more in common that either of us would care to admit.

Community: Funny when you're sober, funnier when you're not

Last night I got drunk and watched episodes of Community (among many, many other television shows) on Hulu because I'm too broke to afford cable TV.  Which is why I got drunk.  Anyway, this is funny:

Joel McHale: "So, Chevy, why Community?  Surely there are places the Griswalds haven't been."

Chevy Chase: "Oh, come on, nobody wants to hear about my money."

I LOVE THIS SHOW.

Mr. Wind

Have I posted this before?  If so, I don't care.  I'm posting it again.  Because it's fantastic and I'm a blogging rebel.

And Here I Thought Reality TV Was Corrupting America...

... But I was wrong.  All this time, it was Martha Stewart.  And her stripper pole.*

(You can re-read that last sentence all you want.  It was, I'm very very saddened to say, not a typo.)

Is it wrong to wish for early onset Alzheimer's Syndrome?  Because I would pretty much do anything at this point to forget the last 42 seconds of my otherwise kick-ass life.

* I realize that "Martha Stewart" and "stripper pole" aren't terms you'd normally expect to find in close proximity to one another.  However, "Martha Stewart" and "ex-convict" are very much related entities, as are "ex-convict" and "stripper pole".  So in a "six-degrees-of-Kevin-Bacon" kind of way, the above video clip makes perfect sense.

[Video from I Suwannee.  I'll get you for this!]

Oh no he di-n't!

My friend Mark just sent me a text message in response to my bagel-related blog post.  It reads:

"...The only part of the show that is art imitating your life is you as Chevy Chase and still being in college at 70."

I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying... Or maybe my tears are the result of knowing how much money I've spent on the road to becoming a withered old grad student best likened to a balding 66 year old has-been overwhelmed by his community college course load. Either way, I'm pretty sure that I need new friends.

Bagels!

A little background: My siblings and I grew up pronouncing the word "bagel" with a strong "a" sound.  (Think "grocery bag".)  After years of getting laughed at, Katie and Colin gradually altered their pronunciation to please the masses.  But, like Jesus, I chose to ignore the critics and continue following my own path.

Which is why my jaw hit the floor when I saw the latest offering of Community on NBC (episode 17, titled "Physical Education").  This is because the main storyline of this particular episode revolves around Britta's pronunciation of the word "bagel" and how a bunch of lame losers laugh at her expense EVEN THOUGH SHE IS RIGHT.

The video is poor quality, but it's all I could
find.  Though I'll admit I didn't look very hard.
Who do you think I am, Indiana Jones?

Now I'm not here to point fingers.  (...Brain!)  I'm just amazed at how, every once in awhile, art really does imitate life.  Specifically, my life.  And in this particular instance the similarities couldn't be more exact.  Think about it: the hot girl is mocked for her proper pronunciation of the word bagel.

Oh, and I'd appreciate it if you'd emphasize the phrase "hot girl", please.

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Good Night

Did anyone out there catch Conan's last episode as host of The Tonight Show?  As expected, it was fabulous.  Humorous, entertaining, and heartfelt.  Conan was incredibly gracious and nearly teared up while addressing his Tonight Show viewers for the final time.  A short excerpt from his farewell speech is below.

No matter what the future holds for Conan O'Brien, one thing is certain:

[Quote from Old Sweet Song]
[Coco image from here]

This Christmas....

... I (and Andy Samberg) give you the gift of laughter.   You don't have to get me anything though.*

 

And, uh, say hi to your mother for me, okay?

* I'm so selfless!

Miss Piggy Is My Hero

I feel bad for kids nowadays. Not because of increased violence in schools or childhood obesity - though they're not helping the situation. No, I pity them because the memories of their youth are going to be overrun with visions of Bratz dolls and Miley Cyrus. I, on the other hand, grew up with the likes of My Buddy and The Muppets.

Winner: Me.

Let's see Miley top this masterpiece!

The Muppets have always been - and will always be - the epitome of cool. Especially that Miss Piggy. Any girl born between 1970-1980 who denies wanting to be Miss Piggy at some point in her life simply cannot be trusted.

That being said, I wonder if Brain would mind if I began referring to him as "Kermie"?


It seems to be working for them.

Ass Burgers

Do any of you watch "Community", the new show on NBC? While it is so freaking funny (and Joel McHale is so freaking dreamy), I fear that it's negatively impacting my on the job performance as a health care professional.

I mean, seriously. How am I supposed to keep from laughing now when a patient tells me he has Asperger's Syndrome? This could be very, very bad....

Fan Mail!

I would like to give a big PMK shout out to my girls Becki and Jennifer, who sent my sister a link to the site Texts From Last Night* with me and this blog in mind! You have no idea what the admiration of two foxy, intelligent women with an impeccable sense of humor (they do read my blog, after all) means to me.

The result of my Google search for "Becki and Jennifer".
See? I told you my readers were foxy!

Let me put it in perspective: My mom doesn't even read my blog anymore. That's right, MY OWN MOTHER. She blames this unfortunate situation on the fact that she's "just really busy right now." She's also at a college football game at the moment - cheering against my Alma mater, I might add - so, yeah.

This got me thinking. Maybe Becki and Jennifer would like to be my new mothers? Think about it, ladies: You could claim an extra dependent on your tax returns. Plus, I do chores and and I rarely wet the bed!


Tempting, right?

* Word on the street is that Adam Sandler's production company, Happy Madison, is slated to produce a television show based on the Texts From Last Night website. Look at me, I'm like a frigging Hollywood Insider for crying out loud!

[Click on the photo for source information]

I'm not sure she was all that "good" to begin with

I still really like this song. And Leighton Meester. She looks so gorgeous in this video, I'm beginning to think that even Gossip Girl doesn't do her justice.

Team Waldorf!

Oh Glee!

Glee, one of Fox's new television shows, premiers tonight at 9:00 pm.  I saw the pilot episode when it first aired a few months ago and it was great.  I only hope that my workload doesn't prevent me from watching it.

So many shows... So little time.

Today is the day!

It's MAD MEN DAY!!

In order to properly "pre-game" for the big event, I insist that you watch this short clip to get a behind-the-scenes look into the costuming of Mad Men.

I would also like to encourage you to read this short, yet interesting article in New York Magazine featuring an interview with Christina Hendricks, who flawlessly brings to life Sterling-Cooper's voluptuous and knowledgeable head office girl, Joan Holloway. And while your at it, go ahead and bookmark the blog "What Would Joan Holloway Do", an advice column written from the point of view of a certain redhead who's been around the block a time or two. Joan's advice to men? "If you want the girl next door, you should go next door."

She's a one-woman Women's Rights Movement, that one.

[Reposted from Taxidermy Church Wedding]

Mad for Mad Men

Am I the only one who is peeing-in-my-pants excited for the return of John Hamm on AMC's Mad Men? I'll admit I didn't really get into the show until the 2nd season, but now I can't seem to get enough of it... or John Hamm. Watching these men and women, many of whom are roughly my age, living and working in 1960's America is like peering through a magic window at my grandparents' generation in the prime of their lives. Of course, this "magic window" I speak of just so happens to look remarkably similar to my Toshiba television, but lets not get bogged down by the details.

The 3rd season of Mad Men - and, did I mention, John Hamm? - returns on Sunday, August 16th. Until then, follow my lead and waste some time creating a Mad Men caricature of yourself.

It's me, only oldtimier!

UPDATE: For a great behind-the-scenes look into the painstaking process of producing a show of this caliber, complete with amazing photos by Annie Leibovitz of Mad Men stars John Hamm and January Jones, click here.

[Click on images for source information]
[Mad Men Yourself originally spotted on Taxidermy Church Wedding]

Why Yes, Yes I Will.

Just the other day I was flipping through an outdated magazine and caught a glimpse of Will Arnett. I fell in love with Mr. Arnett (and his wife, Amy Poehler) during his stint on Arrested Development. Sure, he's handsome. But even better than that is the fact that the man could give you a washboard stomach in no time, he's that funny. Exhibit A:

[Video straight up stolen from the fabulous Paige of I Heart You]

The Big D... As in "Douchebag"

I do not currently live in Texas, nor have I ever lived in Texas. In fact, I've never even lived remotely near Texas. But let it be known: I love me some Texas! You can't beat the food, all the men are Truck Men, and two-stepping? You haven't danced until you've two-stepped with a Texan, my friend.

If you share my feelings for the Lone Star State, prepare yourself* for what you are about to see.



I seriously want to maim this PC character, but I'll refrain. One, I'm a classy and sophisticated dame. Two, he'd probably end up in my ICU and I'd have to take care of his whiny mug. And three, given his moniker, I think the Apple corporation is doing a swell job of abusing this loser on their own.

*What this means to you: If you live in the south, calmly apply your air of superiority. If you're from Jersey, have one of your "boys" hold you back. Those of you living in Texas may want to finish off a cool and delicious Shiner Bock prior to viewing.

[Video first seen on Scented Glossy Magazines]

Hi. My name is Amy, and I have a problem.

After reading this really interesting article chronicling the many inspirations behind Wes Anderson's talent, I realized that I too draw inspiration for my work from the arts. Of course, now would probably be a good time to tell you that my chosen craft happens to be dealing drugs. Or, what is commonly boringly referred to as "administering anesthesia". Tomato, to-mah-to.

But seriously, folks. As a practicing nurse with just over a month remaining before heading back to the classroom to learn the ropes of Nursing Anesthesia, I think it's safe to say that I like drugs. A lot. Now let me be perfectly clear: I do not use drugs*. (Thanks, D.A.R.E.!) But, my experience as a critical care nurse has given me a deity-like respect for the healing powers of appropriately prescribed medications. Most notably sedatives, but that's neither here nor there.

Unlike my straight-edge real life, however, I suffer from an unhealthy addiction to drug-related television shows. The following are my personal brand of... how do you say?... Cocaïna. Join me as I recount their unique chemical properties, followed by a heavy dose of peer pressure used to guilt you into watching them with me.

The Wire
This HBO drama aired for 5 glorious seasons, each one somehow better than the last. This show was so unbelievable that I vowed to name my future pet after my favorite character from The Wire. And I did. But that's not all... The dog I plan to adopt following graduate school will go by the moniker "Stringer Bell" and, if I have a daughter she will be named "Marlo". Because I agree with Heather in that the name "just kicks a lot of ass".

Weeds
Oh, Mary-Louise Parker... you had me at Fried Green Tomatoes. This amazing show is just desert. Delicious Mexican-drug-lord-laden desert.

Breaking Bad
To say that I've turned half of my friends** and coworkers into certified couch potatoes as a direct result of this show would be a lie, as I'm pretty sure the list includes complete strangers too. Remember the days... back when right and wrong were distinct entities separated by an impermeable black line? Yeah, that was before Breaking Bad. Watch the first couple of episodes and, I can assure you, you'll never look at your high school chemistry teacher the same way again.

Nurse JackieWhile not my absolute favorite show, this dark comedy is certainly worth watching. I doubt I'll ever come across a completely accurate portrayal of the nursing profession during my lifetime, but this one comes pretty close as far as the job itself goes. Rather than pitting RNs as physicians' minions who perform uncomplicated tasks without any real understanding as to the motivation behind the treatments - a la every hospital-based television show ever produced - Jackie Peyton, played flawlessly by Edie Falco, shines as a well-respected patient advocate who manages newly-minted residents, instructs nursing students, and delivers compassion in a surprisingly realistic way. She also happens to struggle with infidelity and a raging prescription narcotics habit... Hollywood will be Hollywood, after all.

Arrested Development
Though not drug related, I'd be remiss to leave Arrested Development out the lineup. I'm not sure if I like the show because a) the writing is pure comedic genius b) Ron Howard's voice gives me a nice, warm, old-timey feeling inside, or c) it's billed as a "smart comedy" and thus liking it provides me with a sense of intellectual superiority. Whatever the case, this show is 3 seasons-worth of awesome.

Trust me, people. I'm a medical professional.

*Alcohol not included. I love me some ETOH!
**One such friend, Matt, made an interesting observation. He noted that after watching enough episodes of Breaking Bad, viewers are strangely inclined to conclude each sentence with the word "yo".

[Wes Anderson article ordered and enjoyed with one lump of sugar from Cup of Joe]
[All images via The Internet Movie Database]

Confession.

That's right, people. After months of silence and an untold amount of personal anguish suffered as a result of keeping a secret of this magnitude, I've hit my breaking point. I simply can't conceal the truth any longer...

I'm reading this:

[Image from DressDesignDecor]

and

I'm watching this:

[Image from Vanity Fair]

(and I really, really like them.)

I guess now the only things that separate me from the average teenage girl are my hips and the realization that boys whose names end in "y" are the best kind of trouble.*

* In all seriousness, a party filled with the people mentioned below would be the most ridiculous, talk-about-it-for-years-to-come party to ever take place in the history of the world. Don't believe me? Go befriend a guy named Bobby, buy him a few beers, and then we'll talk.

Where My Girls At?

The next time your husband/boyfriend/dad/brother/male coworker accuses you of being irrational, remind him that you've never forced his family to play a real-life version of the board game "Clue", only to verbally castigate* him and his relatives for refusing to comply with your bizarre demands. On national television.

I love my gender.

Ed. Note: Can someone please explain to me why media outlets have chosen to censor terms such as "asshole" and "Goddamn" by removing their non-offensive components? Seriously, We Television for Women, when exactly did "hole" and "God" become soap-in-the-mouth words?

*You're welcome.

[Video of Shame from Taxidermy Church Wedding]